Kisses, Hugs and Hands Down Your Pants
by Nara Merald
Summary: Ichinose Maki- 1. Noun: Term for individual sans logic, one whose loyalty is ridiculously easy to sway. See also: Pansy. 2. Adjective: A Bad Haircut.


**Kisses, Hugs and Hands Down Your Pants**: _A Diary of Courage and Bravery by Ichinose Maki_

(By Nara Merald)

**Summary**: Ichinose Maki- 1. Noun: Term for individual sans logic, one whose loyalty is ridiculously easy to sway. See also: Pansy. 2. Adjective: A Bad Haircut.

**Disclaimers:** Crackfic! This is a story which unrepentantly teases the rather pathetic Ichinose Maki.

I do not own nor profit from Bleach... or Yachiru would be mine! And let's face it, I think we'd all like some Hisagi action.  
Co-written with, or rather ideas bounced off of _scarletfeline73_, who looks quite similar to Yamamoto. She tells me I resemble Mayuri quite closely.

If you like this, check out 'Absolut Gin', it turned out to be a bit of a surprise hit.

**Kisses, Hugs and Hands Down Your Pants**

Dear Diary,

Taicho held my hand today. He said my rainbow attack was pretty and that I should make a flag for it. Then Renji said I was Gay… I can't understand why. He never did get our greeting manner: Kisses, Hugs and Hands Down Your Pants. I love Taicho; he is the best Taicho in the world. I want to hug him, drizzle him in caramel and eat him.

Hands definitely down pants,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

Taicho took me to lunch today. He pulled out my chair for me and paid for the both of us. He said a lady shouldn't pay. It was a beautiful lunch of spaghetti and meatballs, and we shared a plate. We got some strange looks, especially when Taicho and I accidentally started eating the same noodle. By the time we realised, my tongue was down his throat!  
I have no idea how his hand got down my pants though. A strange little girl with pink hair told me that a lady doesn't kiss on the first date… I think she's new in Soul Society. I gave her the finger and she bit another customer on the leg. Taicho gave me a 'promise' ring, and promised me that we'd be together forever. After lunch, we even bought a dual cemetry plot. Taicho and I promised that we'd be buried together… naked.

Certainly not a lady,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

A horrible beast of a man has showed up wanting to fight Taicho! I ran outside in horror, to meet Tousen, but alas, I was too late. I heard the sounds of fighting and then a final scream, and rushed with baited breath to where my captain should be victorious… but he DIED! Diary, how can I live? I screamed and cried and tried to fight Zaraki, but the others told me not to so I cried some more instead. I made a big deal about trying to go after him but they told me that they'd give me a cookie if I sat like a good boy. It was chocolate chip. Delicious.

Planning to get bloody revenge on Zaraki,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

Tonight was the night! I was going to emerge victorious with Zaraki dead! I confronted him earlier in the hallways, planning to dazzle him with my RAINBOW POWER!! … but it didn't seem to work and he walked away leaving me crying… that bastard! After careful planning, I went in much later with my Zanpakto, ready to make the kill, and I was so close! Zaraki came very close to death… but then he woke up instead of staying asleep and I had to think courageous thoughts while making a run for it. I think next time I might have to drug him before I go and kill him honourably.

Grinning Creepily,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

The graveyard man told me that if I really want to be buried with Taicho, I'd better make it hasty. And so I undressed Taicho (he was missing his right arm and his left leg, curse Zaraki!) and stripped off myself and we lay in the dirt. My… farewell to Taicho was rudely interrupted by Zaraki and the little pink haired girl, who cried out "Ladies definitely don't do _that_ on the first date!". Then, to show my utter disgust, I bravely got up and ran away, naked, crying and covered in mud.

Wondering why people are referring to me as a lady,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

I told Zaraki today! I told him where to go! Or… rather… where I'm going. I quit this stupid division! I've tried to kill Zaraki thirteen times and failed every time! Yachiru has started throwing parties to mark my attempts! She especially liked my 11th attempt where I threw a small pebble at Zaraki's left eye, in the hopes of blinding him to my next attack. Needless to say my dear diary, I was unsuccessful. Yachiru also gave me a coupon to a hairdresser. I don't understand why. It feels like the whole world is conspiring against me! Oh Taicho, where are you when I need you?

Shedding tears of rage at this cruel world,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

I ran away today. I found this ugly brown cloak that the vendor said matched my hair perfectly. He also gave me a discount coupon to a hairdressing salon… maybe it's one of those phases that the Gotei 13 are going through? I was so brave, he told me I could have the cloak for free, but I waited until he turned around and then stole it right underneath his nose! Muhahahaha, they will all learn to fear the name Ichinose… come to think of it, my nose is a little itchy. I walked right out of the gates, after a friendly greeting to the gatekeeper, made my way furtively to the forest. I plan to live on nuts and berries.

Annoying itch in nose,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

This god awful place is a desert! What I wouldn't give for a bottle of freaking water and a bunch of berries… I saw one of those mirage things, and it tried to give me a coupon for the hairdressers too! I think it's a sign… but I'm not sure what it all means. I must think on it later. The sun is so _hot!_ Oh Taicho, why did you leave me? I think I am finally ready to lay down my life and join you in eternal rainbow bliss.

Sand in my eyes,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

Today did not start out well. One minute there was only desert for miles, the next, a hollow was attacking a village. I did not stop to question the validity of a suddenly appearing village; instead I attacked the hollow with my special attack: Rainbow Kisses. The hollow mumbled something like "fucking freak" but since they don't speak our language, I've no idea what it means. He didn't taste very nice… I guess that's why I suddenly lost all will to fight. It's all so sad and bleak, one minute I'm Fukutaicho, Ichinose-dono they called me, and now I'm lying in the hot desert about to get stomped on by an angry hollow… I think this is the end. I am ready to join you my captain… a brave death… FUCK THIS! I don't wanna die! WAHHHHH!

Crying like a bitch,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

Today, someone showed me the way. You would not believe who saved me… the hunkiest piece of man flesh… Err, I mean a respectable gentlemen by the name of Kariya Jin. It was love… err, loyalty, at first sight! Taicho, you of all people will know that I am, above all else, loyal. When I support a cause, I make sure it is a good cause, research it thoroughly and support it to the end! I thought our beliefs in changing soul society for the better would finally triumph and the effects would last forever! But instead, I decided that I would be more loyal and faithful to you by turning my back on the soul society and running away with Kariya Jin. He placed his hand on my shoulder, murmured that it was not my time to die and I pledged to serve him forever. Like, forever forever, not the I'm-not-really-with-the-soul-society-anymore type forever. Taicho, please do not feel like I have betrayed every single ideal we ever worked for. I may have betrayed every single ideal we ever worked for, but I don't believe I deserve that kind of reaction for you of all people.

Dreaming of a different hunk of man-flesh,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

Kariya-sama has me out doing brave deeds and fighting hollows. I'm training hard, because Kariya-sama says it will come in useful. He usually helps me train. Today, I fought a huge hollow! Kariya-sama put his finger to its head and it froze; no hollows can move when he doesn't want them to! He's so strong. But then he said "This is your battle, I believe," and left the paralysed Hollow to me. So I went and grabbed my sword (Kariya-sama suggested I just slice the hollow rather than try Rainbow Kisses again) and I defeated the immobile Hollow with a single stroke! I'm getting so strong now, nothing can defeat me! As a reward, Kariya-Sama allowed me to polish his shoes with my tongue.

My mouth is tasting kinda funny,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

I decided today that I don't want to die anymore, it looks painful. I have instead devoted every minute of my life to protecting Kariya-sama. Today the Bounto were in uproar; they're jealous of my position to protect him. A butterfly flew in his path, beating its horrid little wings in his face and I knew exactly what I had to do. I screamed and dived for him, knocking him out of the way, saving his life. The other Bounto didn't understand, but Kariya-sama thanked me. He even game me a coupon for the hair dressers… It really must be one of those phases at the moment. Then one of the Bounto said I was stupid, so I cried. I miss Taicho.

Feeling brave yet mournful,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

Today I decided to change my destiny, just like Kariya-Sama said Kurasaki could. After several hours of intense concentration, Kariya-Sama instead suggested I change my underwear. What does 'looking constipated' mean?

Going to visit the little boys room,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

I think people can hear my thoughts. I thought that that Bounto's doll looked like a butch german woman with a possible mental retardation, and he tried to punch me in the face. I noticed also that Yoshino's doll Geitei seems to be pretty useless, and Friido does a lot of snaking and not a lot of ass kicking. The minute I thought this, they glared at me, but Kariya-Sama says the Bounto can't read minds. When I began picturing Kariya-Sama in caramel sauce, he looked horrified. They say that I am saying these things aloud, not thinking them, but I know the truth. They lie, they lie like carpet. Kariya-Sama has banned all Caramel sauce from the house.

Craving Caramel,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

They tried to read my mind again, while still telling me I was saying everything aloud. After I tried to mentally subsitute picturing Kariya in caramel sauce for Kariya in chocolate sauce, Kariya-Sama banned all condiments and slimey substances. Mmmm, Kariya and slime… Yoshino threw a vase at my head, so I cried a bit, before stepping up and protecting Kariya-Sama from a particularly vicious looking caterpillar. I made sure Kariya-Sama froze the caterpillar before slaying it with my Zanpakto. I created a hole in the ground! Kariya-Sama said he was very proud of me, and let me Iron his clothes. I feel so special.

Burnt my hands with the Iron,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

I cried today. Kariya-sama was so noble! He killed off his friend then fought in a magnificent battle. He'd never kill me though, he said I was just "too cute" and that I had the best hair ever. Immediately after that statement he developed a worrying cough, but once recovered, he smiled bravely at me. He then said he'd never, ever lie to me, and that I will live forever! The other bounto start laughing whenever they see me now… I'm not sure why they're laughing, but I just glare at them, because I look really cool when I glare.

Wondering what the joke is,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

Today was so exciting! Not only did I get to slay a foe… ok, it was just one of the other Bouto's arms, and he healed it anyway… but I also got to tell a whole crowd of people how great Kariya-sama is! I felt nervous, since somewhere far far away, I knew Kariya-sama was battling Kuchiki Byakuya, and I really don't like him, but great at the same time, because we got those people on our side. Forget the demonstration of 'invincibility', I just know that my explanation of Kariya-sama's manly curves did the trick! As for Byakuya, I've hated him ever since I met him. I was just walking down the street in soul society, when Byakuya stopped in front of me with an unreadable look in his eyes! When I asked him why he was staring, he simply uttered "You look stupid" and then turned and walked off! What is up with that guy?

Psh, me, look stupid?  
Maki

Dear Diary,  
A Shinigami Captain and two vice captains, the false Shinigami, a girl and a boy riding a boar and a Quincy tried to pass me today. I told them "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" kind of like in Lord of the Rings, but I just kind of glared at them and was all like, 'no'. They figured out our trap, but far too late! Kariya-sama will take Seireitei! Then they thought they could take me on, as if I would let them prance on over. I could have laughed- they obviously don't know the true power of my Zanpakto. I didn't mention that it's best and most useful power is to create a light rainbow and make me invisible, so I can hide in a corner and cry instead of fighting. It's come in useful on many an occasion! I surrounded them in light, made my voice extra-manly and then attacked while they were blinded and helpless! I have grown so much stronger under Kariya-sama's guidance; he taught me that a fair fight cannot be won unless I don't fight fair. It makes sense, in a round-about cheating type of way. For a moment, I was disturbed about what my former Taicho would think, but then I remembered: I love Kariya-sama now, so all my former ideals no longer matter. Now, to go and kill some shinigami! Wait… what the?

No time for hands down pants,  
Maki

Dear Diary,

Oh futile, futile world! Just as I was about to slaughter the helpless, who should show up… but Zaraki Kenpachi! The scurge of Soul Society, it was he who murdered my beloved Captain! He forced me to betray everything I thought was right, to spite him! We fought, oh how we fought diary, but I seemed unable to defeat him, even when I tried my hardest. My light should have swallowed him whole! Furious, I raged at the world inside, and simply whined a bit on the outside. Then, he shocked me. He asked me why I was fighting for someone else's beliefs, instead of my own. I don't have beliefs diary! I'm a follower! I screamed at him, wanting to know if he was only there to laugh in my face like so many, many others had… and he stopped. He accused me of betraying Kariya-sama for him! Worst of all… he was right! Diary, I was so confused, I did not know what to think! I let the others escape, instead of following Kariya-sama's orders, so I could fight Kenpachi! He was right! At first, I can tell you, I felt real horror choking up my throat like some leathal killer rabbit trying to climb out… then I realised there was only one true explanation… I love Zaraki Kenpachi. I know it doesn't make sense but it's the only explanation! And so I fought Kenpachi, I made the concious decision to fight him as hard as I could… because I love him…  
…I think I'm loosing…  
…ow…  
Mmm, Kenpachi in Caramel Sauce...  
…can't… move hands… down… pants…  
…is this…?

THE END

Dear Diary,  
Turns out it wasn't the end, although I think Zaraki mentioned something like "…the end of his fucking caramel sauce… fucking hands in his pants… fucking disgusting…" but Diary, no one listens to the love of my life except Yachiru, who is still telling me "Ladies don't do THAT!". Well she shouldn't have interrupted my 'hands down pants' time. Honestly.

After, I felt relaxed enough to confront my former love, Kariya Jin. Now that I look at him, I don't understand what I saw in him, because Zaraki is much more manly.  
I bravely (ok, I whimpered a little in a manly way), questioned Kariya, determined to find out the truth, and he stabbed me! Like ow, OW! It HURTS! OW! OW OW OW…ow ow ow  
Naze? Why? Kariya… sword… but… I…  
I just wanted…  
…to get in Zaraki Kenpachi's pants. Oh Taicho, how could life be so…

Cruel?

Dying!

Oh no, still alive! Gotcha!

urghhhh dyinnnnnngggg

ha ha, gotcha 'gain!

Mmm, Caramel…

…darkness…

**Tu all hu reed this, ken-chan sez for me tu rite Ichi iz ded. But he died with a smil on his fase droolin ova carmel.  
- Yachiru**


End file.
